.........

I key in the last few words of my final report and with each keystroke I feel an emptiness grow within me. Funny, my last post was all about how this place had heightened my confusion on choosing the right career and here I am feeling pathetic about leaving the same place.

It is one of those moments in my life when everything seems to come to a standstill. Its as if life is saying "look back on this experience and make a note of everything that has led to this point and do so honestly with because u'll cherish every moment ,whether good or bad ". It is on moments like these when I feel happiness and sadness at the same time without a hint of confusion which otherwise plagues every waking moment of my life (Guess I am too sleepy to understand what is going on in the pea-sized brain that possess while I am asleep).

I am going to miss this place. Not for the people, Not for the work but just because here, there were times when I felt good about myself and sadly the place I am going to doesn't invoke such feelings....

P.S : I guess this entry is filled with typos and grammatical errors. I just wrote whatever came to my mind without giving much thought to the 'thoughts'....

To be or not to be...

It is funny how sometimes things we feel will lend some semblence, some meaning to our existence and give directions to our otherwise wayward life just veer it further off its course. There are times when I envy the ant who never faces this problem. It never loses sight (or whatever sense directs it) of its goal which may be a lump of sugar or a grain of rice.

I was under the impression that at the end of my 2 month stint at IISc there will be light at the end of the long dark tunnel that my academic journey has been. That, by the end of 2 months I'll know where my 'interests' lie. The question -"What am I passionate about?" will have an answer.

Well, I dont see a light, have no answer and the road in the darkness of the tunnel seems never ending. Infact , I seem to have reached a fork ,some sort of bifurcation into 2 paths and i am equally apprehensive about taking either of them.

One path leads to a place full of unceratinities and taking it would mean that I leave and forget about everything that i have done till now. Taking this road will mean starting right from scratch. That poses another question - Do I have the time and luxury of doing that? As always I don't have the answer.....

Taking the other path will mean that I stick to what I am doing right now. Which, quite frankly, feels more like a 'chore' at the moment. I am not very fond of the work I am doing right now nor do I see any change in this notion in the foreseeable future. Infact with each passing day I seem to be growing averse to it and I wont be surprised if one day I wake up ,a failure, and a small voice inside me says "I don't care". So this alternative doesn't seem too attractive either....

Time is running out and I need answers.... Should I take up research and become a lousy scientist or dive into uncharted seas. The million dollar question is 'to be or not to be'?

A few things are keeping me from going insane - Friends and family, Faith in something fundamental/unchanging , Someone very very special who knowingly or unknowingly keeps instilling in me the importance and value of life through words/actions and in whose company I truly understand what it means to be alive :-)

......

I have been listening to and humming this number for the past few days. It is soothing,delightful and for some reason it brightens my mood in the most gloomiest of moments (what surprises me is the fact that I dislike rain and everything associated with it).

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head -B. J. Thomas

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he got things done Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'
But there's one thing I know
The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free Nothin's worryin' me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me
Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free Nothin's worryin' me

Misplaced Anger..

Misplaced anger is born of frustration
when it mates with agitation

Its effects range from a state of utter chaos to complete confusion,
Sense,common and uncommon, are subjected to rapid combustion!

Feelings are affected, those of others and your own,
Spreading its tentacles of despair
it waits for a prey, who is helpless and prone

Countering its effects is not easy,
It requires deep digging
to find happiness in one's misery.

Faith in oneself and a higher power may help in the cause,
for it is too trivial in the big picture
and doesn't deserve too big a pause.....

class apart....miserably

The content which follows was a result of misplaced anger and not of genuine ill-feelings towards the person concerned. Any discontent caused isn't intentional.I wrote this during a class. My classmates would be able to guess who I am referring to. I know that while writing this I was being mean but then, sometimes, one can't help being so... here goes.....

What Kind of pleasure do you derive from this practice. Continuous blows to my eardrums frustrate me. Are you oblivious to the fact that your thundering voice gets on people's nerves. I feel like crying you @@$#0le!! Stop Screaming!! and for heaven's sake stop making me write!!

Is something troubling you? Is your wife too demanding? Are your kids not studying? Do you make us write so much because You can't make them do so? And T-R-I-P-L-E is pronounced as ˈtri-pəl' (triple) , not TRI-BULL......

Highest fitness huh? Can't you say it normally? Why do you have to shout it out. It scares us , affects our fitness. But, you won't understand that because your ears are plugged (yes plugged!) with a hearing-aid (to block out your own voice i guess). But let me tell you something. That hearing-aid is making things more difficult for you. To 'optimize' its use you have to learn to speak less or SHUT UP!! thereby allowing it sense voices and sounds other than your own.

I bet you can't hear your own fart over all the noise you make. Tell me something, do you have a good sense of smell or that too is malfunctioning, coz when you fart people would know. If they don't hear it , they'll smell it and then you'll have nowhere to go....

p.s. : The title was suggested by 2 of my closest friends...

gibberish..

Sometimes though the feelings are intense,the pain is unbearable and the sorrow is unfathomable ,we fail to express these in words. The paradox, in a dark way, is quite funny. Clarity in feelings and a 'distinct' haze when it comes to expressing them. Most of us suffer from it . The ones who don't are either devoid of feelings or are emotionally crippled because of some reasons.

Why am i continuing this post? Because I have been suffering on accord of the aforementioned factor.

So how does one give voice to these feelings? Some say 'spontaneity is the key' and others believe in 'articulacy'. I won't put up my answer because it isn't significantly different from those of others. At least for now it seems so (unclear again?)......

.....

I am feeling jealous. Very very jealous. Wish i could write down the reason right here. Something stops me..... Yeah, I am not writing anything because of 'the reason'....

(sitting in the 'Molecular graphics and modeling laboratory')