I key in the last few words of my final report and with each keystroke I feel an emptiness grow within me. Funny, my last post was all about how this place had heightened my confusion on choosing the right career and here I am feeling pathetic about leaving the same place.
It is one of those moments in my life when everything seems to come to a standstill. Its as if life is saying "look back on this experience and make a note of everything that has led to this point and do so honestly with because u'll cherish every moment ,whether good or bad ". It is on moments like these when I feel happiness and sadness at the same time without a hint of confusion which otherwise plagues every waking moment of my life (Guess I am too sleepy to understand what is going on in the pea-sized brain that possess while I am asleep).
I am going to miss this place. Not for the people, Not for the work but just because here, there were times when I felt good about myself and sadly the place I am going to doesn't invoke such feelings....
P.S : I guess this entry is filled with typos and grammatical errors. I just wrote whatever came to my mind without giving much thought to the 'thoughts'....
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
To be or not to be...
It is funny how sometimes things we feel will lend some semblence, some meaning to our existence and give directions to our otherwise wayward life just veer it further off its course. There are times when I envy the ant who never faces this problem. It never loses sight (or whatever sense directs it) of its goal which may be a lump of sugar or a grain of rice.
I was under the impression that at the end of my 2 month stint at IISc there will be light at the end of the long dark tunnel that my academic journey has been. That, by the end of 2 months I'll know where my 'interests' lie. The question -"What am I passionate about?" will have an answer.
Well, I dont see a light, have no answer and the road in the darkness of the tunnel seems never ending. Infact , I seem to have reached a fork ,some sort of bifurcation into 2 paths and i am equally apprehensive about taking either of them.
One path leads to a place full of unceratinities and taking it would mean that I leave and forget about everything that i have done till now. Taking this road will mean starting right from scratch. That poses another question - Do I have the time and luxury of doing that? As always I don't have the answer.....
Taking the other path will mean that I stick to what I am doing right now. Which, quite frankly, feels more like a 'chore' at the moment. I am not very fond of the work I am doing right now nor do I see any change in this notion in the foreseeable future. Infact with each passing day I seem to be growing averse to it and I wont be surprised if one day I wake up ,a failure, and a small voice inside me says "I don't care". So this alternative doesn't seem too attractive either....
Time is running out and I need answers.... Should I take up research and become a lousy scientist or dive into uncharted seas. The million dollar question is 'to be or not to be'?
A few things are keeping me from going insane - Friends and family, Faith in something fundamental/unchanging , Someone very very special who knowingly or unknowingly keeps instilling in me the importance and value of life through words/actions and in whose company I truly understand what it means to be alive :-)
I was under the impression that at the end of my 2 month stint at IISc there will be light at the end of the long dark tunnel that my academic journey has been. That, by the end of 2 months I'll know where my 'interests' lie. The question -"What am I passionate about?" will have an answer.
Well, I dont see a light, have no answer and the road in the darkness of the tunnel seems never ending. Infact , I seem to have reached a fork ,some sort of bifurcation into 2 paths and i am equally apprehensive about taking either of them.
One path leads to a place full of unceratinities and taking it would mean that I leave and forget about everything that i have done till now. Taking this road will mean starting right from scratch. That poses another question - Do I have the time and luxury of doing that? As always I don't have the answer.....
Taking the other path will mean that I stick to what I am doing right now. Which, quite frankly, feels more like a 'chore' at the moment. I am not very fond of the work I am doing right now nor do I see any change in this notion in the foreseeable future. Infact with each passing day I seem to be growing averse to it and I wont be surprised if one day I wake up ,a failure, and a small voice inside me says "I don't care". So this alternative doesn't seem too attractive either....
Time is running out and I need answers.... Should I take up research and become a lousy scientist or dive into uncharted seas. The million dollar question is 'to be or not to be'?
A few things are keeping me from going insane - Friends and family, Faith in something fundamental/unchanging , Someone very very special who knowingly or unknowingly keeps instilling in me the importance and value of life through words/actions and in whose company I truly understand what it means to be alive :-)
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